To The Man I Love, From The Girl With Too Many Issues

You consoled me and comforted me and made sure that I knew that you were there for me. You held my hand when I crossed the street and you pulled me close when I would trip on the cracks in the sidewalk. You lightly wiped my tears and kissed my nose or forehead or cheek or lips to show me that you cared. You were in love with everything I was and everything that I still am. You pulled me up when I fell down. You held me close when I cried or vented or complained about life and how I would never be successful or be pretty or learn how to just leave the apartment without removing my shoes to put them on again just because I didn't put the right one on before the left one the first time. You took the time to be patient and kind and endearing and that's why I need to tell you thank you every single time you do anything for me.

You don't care who I am on the inside because you loved me then and you love me now. You tell me that you'll love me forever and that gives me hope. It gives me something to hold onto. I never held onto hope before because I had been betrayed and put down and left behind by so many but you've given me so many reasons to trust you. Your love for me never gave up because I did something annoying or said sorry thirty seven times in a row because even though I meant it the first time, it just didn't feel right until that thirty seventh time. You always tell me that I don't have to apologize because I already did or that I didn't even do anything wrong but I know I did even if you don't think I did because to me, in my mind, I did something wrong. To me I felt like I did something bad and even though you always try to convince me otherwise I still always have the sinking feeling that I did.

You love me even though I go to therapy and take medication because the doctor says I have mental disorders. I know what the words they tell me mean and I know that those medications are supposed to help me but I needed the push from you to officially get help. Without you, I never would have went to seek out help. I would never have started taking medications that help balance out the chemicals in my brain because my brain is stupid. It's stupid for needing help and I mutter that I'm stupid for needing help but you always reassure me and say that it's okay that I need the therapy sessions and medications and psychologist visits. You tell me that it's normal and so many other people need the same help I do but I always think that my need for those things is a burden. You tell me it isn't so I believe you every time but you'll probably still have to remind me of that every time I go to the doctor for the rest of my life because the chemical imbalances in my (stupid) brain tell me that it is a burden but I guess that's okay if you are there to reassure me.

You love me even though I steal your shirts and hog the bed and take all your pillows. You love me even though I watch shows you hate and movies that annoy you because they are meant for children ages four to nine according to Netflix. You love me even though I watch make-up tutorials on your flat screen TV while you sigh and play games on your computer. You love me even though I can't work technology as good as you and you always have to help me out.

Even when I'm crabby and demanding and hungry you still listen to me complain and you give me advice. I take that advice as wonderful wisdom every time because I have never had anyone truly listen to me the way that you do. You get me ice cream and sorbet and pizza and pasta without me even needing to ask twice. You are the MOST attentive person that I will ever know in my whole life and that means so much to me because I've never felt so cared for. You tolerate and love me even when I'm upset and in pain because my period started and all I do is complain to you about it. You go get me a heat pack and chocolate to help me feel just a tiny bit better.

I always wonder why a guy like you would love a girl like me but I know that I'll never understand so I try not to think about it. I try not to think about a lot of things because basically everything in the entire world makes my depression and anxiety flare up. I always worry that my OCD will push you away; that you'll leave me because I have to count syllables to an even number or make you eat the last french fry or grape or carrot because there's an odd number and I can ONLY eat things in even numbers or continue walking for a few more steps even though we are already there only because I didn't end my steps on my right foot before stopping and I HAVE to end on the right foot otherwise I feel horrible for the rest of the day. I have so many other oddities along with these ones but you still love me and I am completely amazed by that.

You love me even when I go hide in the bathroom with the lights off and cry because something doesn't feel right. You don't have to come in there with me but you do. You sit down on the floor and just hold me hand until I'm all out of tears, whether that be five minutes or an hour. You tell me that it will be okay and that whatever feels wrong will pass. You love me when I'm at my weakest, ugliest, most horrifying lows even though you don't have to and I take that as a God sent gift and the biggest blessing I've ever received.

I have had so many reasons to be afraid of people and places and that's probably part of the reason that I rarely ever left my bedroom when I lived at home with my parents. I was scared of the world and everything in it. I couldn't go anywhere without feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders but you have helped me remove part of that weight. You have helped me discover that sometimes the world is a good place and that sometimes it's okay to walk on my own to class even though I feel like a target of who knows what because my brain, like I have said many times to you, is stupid. You have helped my discover joys in little things and even greater joy in the big events that happen in life.

Remember the aquarium at Mall of America? That's one of the first times that I was truly able to be myself in a public setting. I laughed and smiled and watched as sharks and rays swam around me. That's one of the first times that I didn't feel anxiety crushing me because I wasn't holed up in a bedroom away from society in my safe space because I have discovered that when I'm with you, you are my safe space. I was so rambunctious and happy and even when that lady talked to us and told us where to get a good picture of me in front of the shark tank I didn't shy away and hide behind you like I have done with other people so many times before. I actually talked to her to say thank you! Any it didn't even make me feel nervous which for me is something that I usually feel constantly.

I bet that I don't even realize everything that you do for me and I know that I take you for granted sometimes but that's because when I'm with you I feel like a normal person and normal people take things for granted from what I've learned in life so maybe that's a good thing because I'm beginning to show qualities of a normal person. You probably don't even realize what you do for me sometimes and that's what makes me truly love you. I am so happy that even though I have so many problems, you still love me. I'm broken but because you love me, I'm slowly starting to pick up the pieces I thought I had lost and I'm becoming whole again.

Looking at me you only really see what is on the outside. You think I'm young and pretty but that I don't smile nearly as much as I probably should. You see me only skin deep and that's the me that you love. You fell in love slowly with pictures and long messages on a glowing screen. You fell in love with each little word I sent you while you stared at the blinking of dots waiting for my reply to your funny joke or pick-up line or Snapchat of your smiling face. You fell in love with a girl, who didn't lie but also never sent the whole truth over those months of messages. There's another part of me that you didn't see until you actually met me face to face.

You discovered a girl who hid behind her phone screen in fear of being judged. A girl who felt like the whole world was against her. A girl who waited alone in her bedroom for days after days just waiting for someone, anyone, to want her. A girl who never truly understood what love was and feared that it would be something that she would never experience. I was that girl yet you still fell in love with me.

Kaelyn Spencer